payphone

Today I missed you. Im not sure why. It was one sad maroon 5 song that came on, and I wanted to cry. I miss being with you, being comfortable, having fun. Opening up every single secret about me with you. Coming to you for comfort, coming to you with laughs. I guess you can be comfortable with anyone, but it took four years to get comfortable with you, love you, be with you. It took two more years to build up what we had, and it took one night to throw it all away. I can’t say I’d be 100% happy if I was with you right now, but I can’t say that im 100% happy without you. There’s things about you that I couldn’t handle. When you changed, we changed. We fell apart. You are a new person now. A different person with a different lifestyle, and I couldn’t handle it. You chose them over me. I hope that youre happy with them like you were happy with me. Its taken me a while. A long while, a lot of long sleepless nights. A lot of cries so hard I almost puked. A lot of facebook stalks and angry jealousy. A lot of delving into old letters, old conversations just to remember. And a lot of drinks and nights out to forget. The pain was just too much to stay in contact. I waited so so long for you to call me drunk one night, showing that you missed me even a little bit. But at that point I had so much pride that I blew you off. That’s not how you should come back into my life. You had an unfulfilled night so you call me drunk at 2 a.m. to put you to sleep. I refused, I was too busy having fun trying to forget you. It’s true that I have moved on a little bit. I’ve learned to live without talking to you every day, telling you my daily life. Ive learned to not call you crying when something horrible happens. I’ve learned to not share any excitement with you. I have completely gone without you. Some days its hard and other days its harder. But mostly, its just different. I’ve even started developing small feelings for someone that has a ton of qualities that im looking for. Someone who’s fun and makes me laugh. He’s adventurous and silly. He’s also caring and affectionate. And even though we are just friends, he is all the right things for me that you no longer are. And I’ve been happy spending my time with him, telling him things that I should be telling you. Just when I finally think I’m almost over it, I miss you. And I don’t know what to do. And its confusing, and I want so bad to talk to you for a few minutes and cry and have you miss me too. But I don’t, because you’re different, we’re different, and I don’t think things will ever be the same. Im not saying that we need to be together, I just wish you were there for me, even a little bit. I thought we could be friends, but then it was too hard. So then I thought we would be friends when I was completely over it. To tell you the truth, I don’t know if ill ever be completely over it. You were my best friend in the whole wide world and we did absolutely everything together. I don’t know how I will ever be okay seeing you with someone else. I don’t want the feelings to be here anymore. I just want to be okay without you. I don’t want to have feelings for you anymore, so I can really give myself to someone else. So I could have a chance at being happy again. It’s not fair. You do so well acting like you don’t miss me. I wonder if you’re just good at faking it. I think about you every day, and somehow I bring you up in conversations all the time. Im trying to stop. I wonder if you miss me too. all those fairytales are full of shit. one more stupid love song, i'll be sick.