Zachary Binx

My rat binx has outlived his lifespan. He's a little over 2 years old and although the vet told me months ago his first tumor would probably kill him, he's been a little fighter. Now he has like 3 really big tumors and theyre turning black and bloody, I think. It's so depressing. It practically breaks my heart every morning walking down the stairs and wondering if he's still gonna move when I call his name and it scares me to death as well. So I'm left with a predicament. Do i take it to the vet and put it out of it's misery? Is it even in misery? I mean the tumors don't look pretty, but it can't speak for itself. I hate feeling responsible for another life. I can't even take care of myself. And if he's fought this long...should I just keep letting him live? He still eats alot, and he runs around..as much as he can. But it kills me to watch him die slowly. To me, there's nothing more important in life...than life itself. And if I take him to the vet, he won't have a life anymore. But like I said, what am I supposed to do...wait for him to die? Anyways, a lot of people are really insensitive. Especially my friends, they say "ew, its a rodent" or "omg its just a cheap rat." But it's more than that to me. It was a pet that I cared for and had with me the last few years when things got really crazy and bad. It was just with me through it all, and i know death is inevitable, but it still sucks nonetheless to know it's going to be gone. And yeah sure, it's just a pet. But that doesn't make it inconsequential to me. I'd like to think that I care about the littlest things and the bigger ones. So i think i've decided to take it to the vet asap. Ahh, I hope i don't cryy like a baby again. :(

Ask and You Shall Receive

As an agnostic, I'm not exactly sure of my religious beliefs.
I'd like to believe that there's a higher power, or God that created us. However, I was not raised with a religion or brainwashed to believe anything. My parents, thankfully, let me grow up without biases. Yet I find myself now desiring to have faith in something, I dunno who or what. But I want to believe in something, i want to live for something, and i want to die for something. I feel as if im too uneducated to have a religion yet. I mean, I've gone to churches before. But I really don't believe in the bible, or the torah, or the book of mormon for that matter. Granted I haven't read any of these entirely, but they just seem like fallacies to me. Like a bunch of stories that man created. I'm more of a "see it, to believe it" kind of person. But how can i see God? So maybe I don't have a bible to follow, and maybe I'm not into the the religious culture, and devoting my life to one person, but that doesn't mean I can't believe in God, whoever he or she may be. Sometimes I find myself praying. Many times I need/want something, and sometimes i just feel like believeing that someone hears my prayers to help people in the world. Sometimes I just pray for certain people, or for lots of people. I dunno why. But anyways, I know this sounds selfish but I've doubted God before. I'll think to myself, okay well if God's real he'll prove it and answer this prayer. One time I was trying to win concert tickets on the radio and I said, I'll believe in God if I win these. You'll never guess who won the tickets. Was it a sign? Or just a mere coincidence? I really have no backbone to believe in religion. The reason this is on my mind is because I recently experienced one of these "signs from God" again. The night before my math final, I prayed. I thought of a quote i had heard before "Ask and you shall receive" and even thought, I don't believe in the bible, I wanted to believe in this concept and I decided to give it a shot. I prayed that I would get an A in AP English or a B in AP Calculus. My chances of either were slim since I had borderline grades. I prayed that I'd get the B in math more than the A in English because I needed a B to qualify for CSF. After talking to my teacher he said I needed a 19/22 on my final. That's an A if you didn't realize. I've never gotten an A on a calculus test in my life and yet I'm supposed to ace the final? There was little hope in my mind and after being disheartened by my B in English, I handed my math teacher my final. When I asked "How bad did I do?" He handed me back my paper with a 20/22 on it. I had miraculously gotten my A on my final and managed to get a B- in the class. My desperate prayers were answered, and I feel as if I owe it to God. Now I'm not saying go ahead and pray asking God for whatever your heart desires, I'm just saying, If there is a God, I'd like to think he helped me when I really needed it. I'm going to continue and pray and see what happens. My beliefs on God are to be continued.....

the inscrutable life

Nothing intrigues me, confuses me, nor excites me more than life itself. There are endless points of view in life, all seeming to be inscrutable. Regardless, I seek the answers, the reasons, the beauty in every direction possible.
I'm the author of my own life, a single point of view in the infinite variations... and your just the reader