Ghost of Christmas Present

It’s nice and grand to get ipods and ugg boots on Christmas day. But not when you worry more about how much your parents spent on you this year and if you’ll be happy with your gifts. What about when your shoes get dirty and your ipod breaks? What happens when your materials tarnish? Sure, electronics and cute clothes are a + in life. But they shouldn’t = life. I think happiness is deeper than your pockets. Watching a good movie and eating a good meal should mean more than a new outfit. I mean materials wear out and get lost but memories can last a lifetime. Instead of taking the picture, live in the moment. Christmas for some is about jesus, for others presents. But for me it’s about celebrating winter with those I care about. On Christmas day, my family celebrated Christmas and left me while I slept without saying anything.
So as I drove to my moms house crying the whole ten minutes, I realized what was really important to me that morning. I didn’t care about presents or santa or whatever. I just wanted to feel wanted by my family. I just wanted to be around people in the holiday spirit. At my moms house I began to feel so much better just playing with my baby brother. As much as I dislike my stepdad, he out of the blue decided to fill my car up with gas. Which was extremely nice and because of that action that made me feel good, I wanted to make someone else feel good. So on the way home I bought two homeless women food in the walmart parking lot. I think with every action someone makes, there’s a reaction. People make us feel hurt, happy, grateful, excited and because of that…we react in good, bad, strange, decisions. I really don’t know what the point of this blog was. At first I was going to criticize how people make materialism a priority, and then I was going to say practice good karma and now I’m just not so sure. But, the bottom line is…if you have a good family, good friends, a good life. Don’t take advantage of that. Cherish them during the holidays rather than things, because the best things in life..aren’t things. And give when you can. As much as it feels good when someone does something special for you, it feels even better knowing you made a difference to someone else.

Reach Out

Sometimes all I need is for someone to reach out to me.
To let me know they’re listening and that maybe just maybe they care
When you say you read my blog
It makes those two minutes of your life = many more minutes of my life feeling cared for
I don’t need to be the center of attention.
I think everyone just wants to be heard.


Reach out. Not just to me. But to everyone you care for. Because people go through things they don’t always express. And you don’t want to regret not saying the way you feel before it’s too late. Besides, when it’s YOU that wants the extra hug, or simple compliment…you’ll realize how simple it is to give and what it’s like to be waiting for someone to notice.

Because You Loved Me

Some days are easier than others. Sometimes we get along, you’re not embarrassing, I enjoy spending time with you. Sometimes I feel bad for ever admitting I don’t always love you. Sometimes, some rare occasions, we feel like family for a little while…but it never lasts. I know you love me…because you made yams on thanksgiving because I “had to have it” and you bought a Christmas tree because I was “soo upset that we didn’t have ours anymore.” I know you care when you ask what I want even when you can’t always give it to me. And you’re not always around and we don’t usually get along because im a slob, and I live in your house. Or because you smoke now, and you live in my house. But I notice these little things. And I appreciate them. When you and grandma speak in French, and I pick up bits and pieces of it…all I wanna do is embrace my inner French. And understand my family better while it’s functional. I wanna speak French too. I wanna go to france. I wanna cook like you do. And laugh at things in life that some people take too seriously. We’re a lot alike, I admit it. In the sense that we played the same sports as kids, accidentally. And we like the same things: food, sports, etc. and where you lived at 18, I wanna live at 18. I mean, I spend all this time resenting you because you’re selfish and your problems over rule mine most the time…but it’s not always like that. And I just want you to know. I realize that of all things in life...I was your number one priority. When you first got divorced and mom wanted full custody, you did everything you possibly could to make sure you were constantly in my life. And you were. And I know you weren’t always around as I got older because you always worked. And always commuted. But I know you had no other way, and you did it for us. And when you got divorced again, and you lost your family and pretty much everything else…you made sure that of all things, you still had me. I never really understood that I was your reason in this life…because you haven’t always had the best ways of expressing it. But I guess I am. And I’m gonna miss hearing you bitch at me for not cleaning my room when I move away. And I’m gonna miss you giving me a percentage of your winnings from gambling. And I’m gonna miss fighting with you over who’s bed tasha sleeps on each night. Grrr that dog of ours. But mainly you’re just unlike other dads. You have your own ways of doing things in life. Some things are respectable and others aren’t always favorable. But nonetheless you can’t choose your family and your still my dad. and "im everything i am, because you loved me."

Thank You for not pushing religion down my throat like some parents do. You don’t even believe in religion, really. But I think somewhere deep down, you believe in something. Maybe while I was too busy yelling at you for doing everything else wrong, you were too busy believing in me…

Dont You Dare Judge Me

I cant stand my parents. I don't love them. You don't understand. They have way too many problems of their own. My mother--drug addictions, major anxiety, zero patience, total embarrassment. My father--also re-developing his narcotics/drug addiction, addicted to gambling, now in trouble with the law, sometimes selfish, and never around. I cannot handle living with either of them. I cannot handle providing everything but the roof over my head for myself since 16. I cannot describe to you in words how my life has gone astray from the way things we're supposed to be...and the way it makes me feel. I know my parents have gone through a lot of shitty things in their life and they had no control over many of them. They can't help that. They should've learned from their past though instead of continuing to make shitty decisions. Because my life is affected in a zillion different ways. Because of them, I don't have a happy family. Because of them, I hardly see any of my siblings. Because of them, there is so much hostility and dysfunction in my family. I basically fend for myself. I work to pay for my things. I find my own dinner. I spend time with my friend's family and go on trips with them, because my family is incapable of that anymore. I used to be relatively happy when I lived in a home with two parents, two siblings, and rules. Even though my parents have always been divorced, I had normalcy for the most part in both homes. Now I don't have any of it. This is not a home. I can't stand being alone. I can't stand Manteca. I can't stand how so many people who should be good friends, prove not to be. I seriously don't trust a single person on this earth entirely except for myself...how sad right? I literally try the very best I can to be a good person, a good friend. I bend over backwards for some people who just continue to walk all over me like a doormat. I keep all your secrets and you exploit mine. I'm basically your taxi driver, and you give me nothing in return. I thought you were the best person on the fucking planet and you just don't wanna try and make time to be my best friend anymore.
I'm losing my mind. I would die for so many people I care about if it came down to it. I do the best I can to get good grades and play sports and work part time while balancing a social life. But it's not easy. I still struggle immensely with AP calculus, I can't always make it to track practice because i have so much going on...and i can't handle people talking crap about me at work when all im trying to do is please other people. You don't understand how hard it is to focus on normal teenage stuff like hanging out on friday nights, doing homework and sleeping at decent hours because im so distracted with this life i was given. I would love a home that eats dinner together more than just once a year on thanksgiving. I would love to spend more time with my siblings now that theyre getting so much older. I would love to be able to say I love my parents and mean it right now...but i just can't. I've been judged like I was crazy, like I was heartless, or that I was the ONE to blame because "every child is supposed to love their parents no matter what." No matter what? Would you love this situation? Would you even be able to understand half of it? I realize no life is perfect, and sure if you wanna be extreme and compare my life to someone in a third world country or someone who's been raped...then yes..i'm at an advantage. But by just observing my life...or comparing it in my own community...i am forced to be my own parent and just a 17 year old at the same time. Is it clear why I want to move to southern california? Is it understandable why I'm not exactly happy all the time? I am not ungrateful...I appreciate all that I do have. I'm in love with my past. I cherish old memories like the world's ending tomorrow. I try as hard as I can to make good friends. Ones that not only can I trust 100% but be able to have a good time with pretty often as well. I don't have that anymore. I don't have a very true best friend. I used to. I used to have the family and the friends and the boyfriend as well. But tell me how I'm supposed to manage that when the family's too consumed with their own crazy abnormal shit, and the friends can't keep their damn promises to close their mouths or make time to see me. Sure, i know a lot of nice people. But theyre not exactly around as much as I'd like them to be. You know I am not anywhere near to perfection nor will I ever be. I am not the smartest, prettiest, most talented person out there, but I realize that and i accept that. And all i want is someone who will love me unconditionally just as i am, sometimes broken in infinite pieces, sometimes a happy camper. I just want someone I can fully trust...not just with some things, but all things. Someone who WILL be around to spend time with me. I mean, i don't need hella friends, or ideal parents. All i want is a single person. Anyone. It just sucks only having myself. So I'm praying to god that the south side won't be like this. That i can start my life over where no one knows that my family sucks, that i'm extremely alone, or half the shit i went through. I want new people, I want a new environment...i want the life my parents led me to believe I'd have when I was just 7 years old. I will not conform to anything because it's what's popular. If I believe in something, damn right your not gonna change that. This is Me. This is my life. I have nothing to hide or lie about. If I'm not good enough for you as I am, then that's your problem not mine. I will not put up with any unnecessary bullshit from a 13 year old, from a 40 year old, from an 85 year old. No one. Becausing if i'm being my own parent, as a responsible adult, then no one can expect respect from me that theyre not willing to equally give. Why put up with the Bullshit when i do everything i can to make others happy, and just be happy. I know everyone tries...we all have our own shit. Everyones worrying about themselves. Im not asking for anyone to throw down their life for me. I just wish I had a parent, or a friend or anyone to be there and understand and let me trust them. One single individual is all i ask. Because having twenty friends and not a single one of them knowing i've been crying my eyes out for the last half hour proves a lot. Because theyre too busy getting drunk or fucking their boyfriends or simply not caring enough to text me within the last week saying hey. I live in a place where I feel like I'm invisible yet judged..in a place where no ones seems to understand even though they claim to feel bad...and a place where i cannot grow if i am completely un-nurtured. So my parents drive me crazy. So they do things wrong ALL THE TIME, so i haven't met a guy that hasn't hurt me or wanted to stay long enough. But i still give my little heart away to everyone. To the girl i hardly knew that recently killed herself. To my several ex/almost boyfriends who figured there was someone better than me. To my friends that will never read this. And to the ones that won't do anything about it. I continue to "trust" and love every one of you because i couldn't hate a single person if i tried. To the two girls that hate my guts for ever dating their ex boyfriends, i still don't hate you.

you all have hurt me, and yet i will still see good in you.
maybe i dont have the greatest relationship with anyone because of several factors, some my fault, some theirs. But Don't You Dare Judge me for what i cannot control including the several voids in my heart that have never been replaced with anything good--anything permanent. Don't You Dare judge me when you don't understand my life, when you haven't walked in these shoes or payed for them either. Don't You Dare Judge Me for not loving my parents because I' m sure yours are a lot different. And even if you never admit to reading this or caring a single bit, please..do me a favor and Don't You Dare Judge Me.

life is everything

i dont understand suicide. i dont understand why people die young. i dont understand why i cried my eyes out about a girl who committed suicide that i hardly knew. i dont think people realize the importance of life. i know things get real hard sometimes, and things happen, sad things, bad things, devastating things. but nothing is more important in life than life itself. every second im alive, i hope to make the most of. im so terrified of dying young. im terrified of losing people. im so upset and distraught by the idea that tomorrow my best friend could be gone. or that my heart could just stop beating. it scares the absolute shit outta me. i hate when people are sad. i hate when people are sick, homeless, depressed. i just wish everyone could be healthy and happy all the time. and i know that seems far from realistic, but things like this break my heart. im realizing from all of this and as i grow older that i need to apologize more, smile more, enjoy life more, tell the people that mean most 'i love you', and not ever for one second take life for granted. im never going to drive drunk, and i just pray to god everytime i drive, that people stop drinking and driving. i pray that i dont get killed one day from one. or that my family or friends do either. but you cant control other people's actions. what you can choose is your will to live.. i mean can you imagine...what itd be like if you just died? everyone who knew you and loved you would be devastated. the world just gets cold when things like this happen. i want to see the future 50 years from now. and i want to see you in it too. god if one of my friends committed suicide, id lose it. i just hope if YOU read this and you ever feel like comitting suicide, call me. call me the second you feel it. reach out to me when your struggling because i want to help other people. id rather do everything i can to try and brighten your day than read your obituary in the newspaper. blaaah, so sad. she was on the path to absolute success and now she's gone. RIP marissa mcleod. and like i said, above all--life is everything. without it, you have nothing. so live more. feel more. be more. but please please, dont disappear on me.