Because You Loved Me

Some days are easier than others. Sometimes we get along, you’re not embarrassing, I enjoy spending time with you. Sometimes I feel bad for ever admitting I don’t always love you. Sometimes, some rare occasions, we feel like family for a little while…but it never lasts. I know you love me…because you made yams on thanksgiving because I “had to have it” and you bought a Christmas tree because I was “soo upset that we didn’t have ours anymore.” I know you care when you ask what I want even when you can’t always give it to me. And you’re not always around and we don’t usually get along because im a slob, and I live in your house. Or because you smoke now, and you live in my house. But I notice these little things. And I appreciate them. When you and grandma speak in French, and I pick up bits and pieces of it…all I wanna do is embrace my inner French. And understand my family better while it’s functional. I wanna speak French too. I wanna go to france. I wanna cook like you do. And laugh at things in life that some people take too seriously. We’re a lot alike, I admit it. In the sense that we played the same sports as kids, accidentally. And we like the same things: food, sports, etc. and where you lived at 18, I wanna live at 18. I mean, I spend all this time resenting you because you’re selfish and your problems over rule mine most the time…but it’s not always like that. And I just want you to know. I realize that of all things in life...I was your number one priority. When you first got divorced and mom wanted full custody, you did everything you possibly could to make sure you were constantly in my life. And you were. And I know you weren’t always around as I got older because you always worked. And always commuted. But I know you had no other way, and you did it for us. And when you got divorced again, and you lost your family and pretty much everything else…you made sure that of all things, you still had me. I never really understood that I was your reason in this life…because you haven’t always had the best ways of expressing it. But I guess I am. And I’m gonna miss hearing you bitch at me for not cleaning my room when I move away. And I’m gonna miss you giving me a percentage of your winnings from gambling. And I’m gonna miss fighting with you over who’s bed tasha sleeps on each night. Grrr that dog of ours. But mainly you’re just unlike other dads. You have your own ways of doing things in life. Some things are respectable and others aren’t always favorable. But nonetheless you can’t choose your family and your still my dad. and "im everything i am, because you loved me."

Thank You for not pushing religion down my throat like some parents do. You don’t even believe in religion, really. But I think somewhere deep down, you believe in something. Maybe while I was too busy yelling at you for doing everything else wrong, you were too busy believing in me…