Dont You Dare Judge Me

I cant stand my parents. I don't love them. You don't understand. They have way too many problems of their own. My mother--drug addictions, major anxiety, zero patience, total embarrassment. My father--also re-developing his narcotics/drug addiction, addicted to gambling, now in trouble with the law, sometimes selfish, and never around. I cannot handle living with either of them. I cannot handle providing everything but the roof over my head for myself since 16. I cannot describe to you in words how my life has gone astray from the way things we're supposed to be...and the way it makes me feel. I know my parents have gone through a lot of shitty things in their life and they had no control over many of them. They can't help that. They should've learned from their past though instead of continuing to make shitty decisions. Because my life is affected in a zillion different ways. Because of them, I don't have a happy family. Because of them, I hardly see any of my siblings. Because of them, there is so much hostility and dysfunction in my family. I basically fend for myself. I work to pay for my things. I find my own dinner. I spend time with my friend's family and go on trips with them, because my family is incapable of that anymore. I used to be relatively happy when I lived in a home with two parents, two siblings, and rules. Even though my parents have always been divorced, I had normalcy for the most part in both homes. Now I don't have any of it. This is not a home. I can't stand being alone. I can't stand Manteca. I can't stand how so many people who should be good friends, prove not to be. I seriously don't trust a single person on this earth entirely except for myself...how sad right? I literally try the very best I can to be a good person, a good friend. I bend over backwards for some people who just continue to walk all over me like a doormat. I keep all your secrets and you exploit mine. I'm basically your taxi driver, and you give me nothing in return. I thought you were the best person on the fucking planet and you just don't wanna try and make time to be my best friend anymore.
I'm losing my mind. I would die for so many people I care about if it came down to it. I do the best I can to get good grades and play sports and work part time while balancing a social life. But it's not easy. I still struggle immensely with AP calculus, I can't always make it to track practice because i have so much going on...and i can't handle people talking crap about me at work when all im trying to do is please other people. You don't understand how hard it is to focus on normal teenage stuff like hanging out on friday nights, doing homework and sleeping at decent hours because im so distracted with this life i was given. I would love a home that eats dinner together more than just once a year on thanksgiving. I would love to spend more time with my siblings now that theyre getting so much older. I would love to be able to say I love my parents and mean it right now...but i just can't. I've been judged like I was crazy, like I was heartless, or that I was the ONE to blame because "every child is supposed to love their parents no matter what." No matter what? Would you love this situation? Would you even be able to understand half of it? I realize no life is perfect, and sure if you wanna be extreme and compare my life to someone in a third world country or someone who's been raped...then yes..i'm at an advantage. But by just observing my life...or comparing it in my own community...i am forced to be my own parent and just a 17 year old at the same time. Is it clear why I want to move to southern california? Is it understandable why I'm not exactly happy all the time? I am not ungrateful...I appreciate all that I do have. I'm in love with my past. I cherish old memories like the world's ending tomorrow. I try as hard as I can to make good friends. Ones that not only can I trust 100% but be able to have a good time with pretty often as well. I don't have that anymore. I don't have a very true best friend. I used to. I used to have the family and the friends and the boyfriend as well. But tell me how I'm supposed to manage that when the family's too consumed with their own crazy abnormal shit, and the friends can't keep their damn promises to close their mouths or make time to see me. Sure, i know a lot of nice people. But theyre not exactly around as much as I'd like them to be. You know I am not anywhere near to perfection nor will I ever be. I am not the smartest, prettiest, most talented person out there, but I realize that and i accept that. And all i want is someone who will love me unconditionally just as i am, sometimes broken in infinite pieces, sometimes a happy camper. I just want someone I can fully trust...not just with some things, but all things. Someone who WILL be around to spend time with me. I mean, i don't need hella friends, or ideal parents. All i want is a single person. Anyone. It just sucks only having myself. So I'm praying to god that the south side won't be like this. That i can start my life over where no one knows that my family sucks, that i'm extremely alone, or half the shit i went through. I want new people, I want a new environment...i want the life my parents led me to believe I'd have when I was just 7 years old. I will not conform to anything because it's what's popular. If I believe in something, damn right your not gonna change that. This is Me. This is my life. I have nothing to hide or lie about. If I'm not good enough for you as I am, then that's your problem not mine. I will not put up with any unnecessary bullshit from a 13 year old, from a 40 year old, from an 85 year old. No one. Becausing if i'm being my own parent, as a responsible adult, then no one can expect respect from me that theyre not willing to equally give. Why put up with the Bullshit when i do everything i can to make others happy, and just be happy. I know everyone tries...we all have our own shit. Everyones worrying about themselves. Im not asking for anyone to throw down their life for me. I just wish I had a parent, or a friend or anyone to be there and understand and let me trust them. One single individual is all i ask. Because having twenty friends and not a single one of them knowing i've been crying my eyes out for the last half hour proves a lot. Because theyre too busy getting drunk or fucking their boyfriends or simply not caring enough to text me within the last week saying hey. I live in a place where I feel like I'm invisible yet judged..in a place where no ones seems to understand even though they claim to feel bad...and a place where i cannot grow if i am completely un-nurtured. So my parents drive me crazy. So they do things wrong ALL THE TIME, so i haven't met a guy that hasn't hurt me or wanted to stay long enough. But i still give my little heart away to everyone. To the girl i hardly knew that recently killed herself. To my several ex/almost boyfriends who figured there was someone better than me. To my friends that will never read this. And to the ones that won't do anything about it. I continue to "trust" and love every one of you because i couldn't hate a single person if i tried. To the two girls that hate my guts for ever dating their ex boyfriends, i still don't hate you.

you all have hurt me, and yet i will still see good in you.
maybe i dont have the greatest relationship with anyone because of several factors, some my fault, some theirs. But Don't You Dare Judge me for what i cannot control including the several voids in my heart that have never been replaced with anything good--anything permanent. Don't You Dare judge me when you don't understand my life, when you haven't walked in these shoes or payed for them either. Don't You Dare Judge Me for not loving my parents because I' m sure yours are a lot different. And even if you never admit to reading this or caring a single bit, please..do me a favor and Don't You Dare Judge Me.