Running

Stressed out.

When im stressed out, I tend to run. I go run around the high school, at track practice, on a treadmill at the gym. It’s all I really know to do when things get tough…..run.

As you probably know, san diego was my first choice.
Well more than that, it was my dream school. And eventually, I will get there. If that’s what my heart desires in two years. But I decided after getting rejected, that I would go to MJC, buy a new car and save money.

But then…I let my head get to thinking. I’m going to miss out on the college experience, no freshman year dorms, no drastically new environment… basically everything I was looking forward to. When I was a little girl, I imagined what college would be like. Before I even knew junior college existed. And I looked forward to the whole cliché, “experience.” While many little girls fantasized over a dream wedding, I was curious about college.

And as it hit me about what I’d be missing out on…I considered my other options. I got into Cal State LA. But then, I was put on a waiting list because it got impacted. It didn’t seem to affect me much, because I knew close to nothing about this school when I applied. I just knew I wanted to go to So Cal this upcoming year.

And then there was CSUN. And I got into Northridge, with my major and even an interview for their EOP financial aid program. So after getting some feedback, I decided to be a little more open minded about my options. I went there myself, I interviewed, I looked around. But something was missing. I just didn’t feel the right vibe. Maybe I just didn’t appreciate the area, but I wasn’t set on going there even if I would be getting a little bit of financial aid. So then there was my last option…CSULB. After being disappointed with Northridge, I decided to go see Long beach. Not having time to tour it, I briefly drove through the campus, and I wasn’t very pleased with how spread out it was, but I hardly got a chance to see the campus. So immeadiately, I figured I was just an unsatisfied person and would settle for MJC. And I was okay with that…

For a while anyways, a few days later I got my acceptance letter to CSULB and everything changed…maybe it wasn’t so bad. I researched it online, virtually toured the housing options, some of which impressed me…and even watched youtube videos of students who attended CSULB. I suddenly had a change of heart. Maybe I could get the college experienced I dreamt up, even if it wasn’t going to be at SDSU.

So now here I am, in this predicament that results in a major part of my near future. They say to go with your gut feeling…but I didn’t really have one. To make lists of pro’s and cons, flip a coin. Well I got entangled in the myriad amounts of lists. The problem is I don’t know what I value more, or what would be more beneficial to my future—less debt or a fully enhanced college experienced.

Not to mention so many things came into play that altered my reasons for staying/going. Moving out was inevitable. I cannot live with my parents any longer because they are unstable themselves. Either way, I’m on my own. I’d either live in an apartment, get a new job, go to junior college and drive home to my lonely home. Or, I’d completely delve into a debt drastic lifestyle on the beach—where there’d be other people like me, some of which I may grow to like or not. But nonetheless it would be change. Even if neither were what I was shooting for, I’ve got to decide where I’d feel happier before I sleep at night.

Although, it may have been thought that dividing yourself from my equation would allow me to make an unbiased decision, it has all been harder than you know.

I have been influenced/affected/devastated lately by those that surround me. Leaving always drives me crazy.

I need to jump. I need to go for it and never look back. Don’t worry, I got this….

I’ve rendered a decision that seems to be what most people suggest. But that’s not why I’m moving to Long Beach. I cannot depend on those that remain in this town. I need to just depend on myself, branch out, and give my future a chance.
Only I can live with the judgment that I give to myself

And I’ll carry on the advice that was given to me.
What have I gotten into this time around?
If only I had more time right? If only this wasn’t bad timing.

I'm so afraid, I can't hold on this time. That’s why I write, to let you know. Just what goes on. Cause this is me, and everything I've dreamed
And you know that I can't just settle for anything

We’re getting older. I’ve started to fear for my life. Is this the way it should be?
This whole thing’s riding on me. It’s been a long road so far.
With no where to turn. There’s no looking back from here.
No more dwelling on my fears.

Some say this is destiny. Some say we create our own destinies. Some say none of this is supposed to make sense. Some say I’m running…..

The Devastation

No one ever told me as a freshman that it was wiser to take easy classes.
I was motivated to take AP classes, to challenge myself and learn more than the average student.
Of course, I struggled, especially in math and therefore I didn’t end up with the “csu weighted average” 4.0 like the students who took easy electives and excelled.
Little did I know that CSU’s only consider your GPA and SAT/ACT scores for admission.
Or that only your soph/junior and part of senior year really mattered on your transcript.
It suddenly became apparent that all those nights staying up with AP work, all my community service, my extracurricular activities/clubs/sports meant nothing on this admission letter.

Yesterday, I checked my web portal account for San Diego State University, aka my dream school. And I was denied. “We regret to inform you….blah blah."
I just cried. It was like a stab in my heart.
I prayed and prayed everyday about this.
In the shower, in the car, before I went to bed.
I dreamt about being at SDSU.
I researched the school and gave several presentations on the school.
I knew my heart belonged there before I set foot on the campus.
And the day I did tour it, only confirmed what I already knew.

I’m not always sure of what I want in life, when it comes to decisions—big or little.
When it comes to boyfriends, ideas, my opinions on things.
They’re all things subject to change.
But my obdurate desire to go to SDSU could never be changed.

When I got denied admission, I felt like crawling in a hole.
I felt like a failure, all the shit I put up with throughout high school when other students didn’t produce nearly as much effort. And now we’d both end up in the same place—a Junior College.

I knew I was ready to leave now, be out on my own in a new city, far far away.
I love San Diego and for once in my life I had never been so sure of something.
But it didn’t work out for me.
I didn’t get that little moment in the mail where you scream and tell everyone that you got accepted.
I was just the girl who didn’t get in. And it beyond devastates me. I cried all night.

You know when you have a bad dream and you wake up and realize, it actually happened.
That nightmare’s your reality….thats exactly how I felt this morning.
I got ready for school, and I against my desire replied “hey” with a half smile to those who said hey to me.
But I didn’t wanna talk to anybody in the morning.
I walked my laps alone in the gym while everyone else ran together.
I just didn’t care. I had lost all motivation to try. What’s there to try for?
If I get an A in p.e. it wont matter because the kid getting a C is going to the same college.
I couldn’t keep it together. I just teared up and cried, that morning and thorough different parts of the day.

Later that night I was talking to my mom about getting a bigger bed. And she mentioned that it wasn’t necessary when I go to college.

“Yeah, except I got denied” :(
That ignited the water works, I just bawled and bawled.
And even now, I can’t talk about it, or even write it down without crying.
It meant everything to me, and now I’m being held back.

But eventually I’m just gonna have to accept it. In a way its good that I’m being forced to save $40k for the first two years of general ed. And I won’t have to leave my dog for another two years, or some younger friends.

It just seemed like I was sooooo ready to leave now and experience college as a freshman, and that it won’t nearly be as fun or exciting as it could’ve been.
Am I even gonna want a dorm as a junior transfer student?

But the fact of the matter is, I’m stuck living here for the next two years and since there’s nothing I can do about that, I’m gonna have to adapt. I’m getting a better job when I turn 18.
My job is stagnant, It’s slow, I’ve had the same uniform and salary for like a year and a half.
Plus my hours are super limited now and tips…hah what tips?

Aside from that I’m blowing my money on a new car to replace my piece of shit named carly.
Perhaps ill get a flat screen tv to go along with my queen size bed I’m also purchasing.
I’m gonna make some major changes to my everyday life, in hopes of ameliorating my situation.

I hope at the JC I go to, I meet a lot of new people. And I have way better friends. I hope freshman year isn’t lame and there’s still a lot to do. And most importantly, I hope I don’t regret this. I just want change. I want happiness. And I want a new chapter in my life.
I can’t guarantee or even begin to imagine what its gonna be like the next two years, but I hope it goes by fast.
Some people say they hate it and other people advice JC’s are the smart way to go.
So I’m gonna try my very best to be open-minded and enjoy it the best I can.

Nonetheless;
I wish I had known about how CSU’s consider applicants, because maybe I would’ve taken the easier way.
Yet, somehow I think I still would’ve pushed myself to the AP level
Because even though I’m a procrastinator, it irks me to be in a classroom filled with ignorance rather than advanced knowledge
So anways, my advice to all lower classmen:
Don’t over exert yourself. Of course participate in activities if you plan on going to a UC, but if you’re interested in only CSU’s, take the easier classes and succeed in them.
Because trust me, you’re gonna want the option of screaming your acceptance to the world, or saving money at a JC first.