Running

Stressed out.

When im stressed out, I tend to run. I go run around the high school, at track practice, on a treadmill at the gym. It’s all I really know to do when things get tough…..run.

As you probably know, san diego was my first choice.
Well more than that, it was my dream school. And eventually, I will get there. If that’s what my heart desires in two years. But I decided after getting rejected, that I would go to MJC, buy a new car and save money.

But then…I let my head get to thinking. I’m going to miss out on the college experience, no freshman year dorms, no drastically new environment… basically everything I was looking forward to. When I was a little girl, I imagined what college would be like. Before I even knew junior college existed. And I looked forward to the whole cliché, “experience.” While many little girls fantasized over a dream wedding, I was curious about college.

And as it hit me about what I’d be missing out on…I considered my other options. I got into Cal State LA. But then, I was put on a waiting list because it got impacted. It didn’t seem to affect me much, because I knew close to nothing about this school when I applied. I just knew I wanted to go to So Cal this upcoming year.

And then there was CSUN. And I got into Northridge, with my major and even an interview for their EOP financial aid program. So after getting some feedback, I decided to be a little more open minded about my options. I went there myself, I interviewed, I looked around. But something was missing. I just didn’t feel the right vibe. Maybe I just didn’t appreciate the area, but I wasn’t set on going there even if I would be getting a little bit of financial aid. So then there was my last option…CSULB. After being disappointed with Northridge, I decided to go see Long beach. Not having time to tour it, I briefly drove through the campus, and I wasn’t very pleased with how spread out it was, but I hardly got a chance to see the campus. So immeadiately, I figured I was just an unsatisfied person and would settle for MJC. And I was okay with that…

For a while anyways, a few days later I got my acceptance letter to CSULB and everything changed…maybe it wasn’t so bad. I researched it online, virtually toured the housing options, some of which impressed me…and even watched youtube videos of students who attended CSULB. I suddenly had a change of heart. Maybe I could get the college experienced I dreamt up, even if it wasn’t going to be at SDSU.

So now here I am, in this predicament that results in a major part of my near future. They say to go with your gut feeling…but I didn’t really have one. To make lists of pro’s and cons, flip a coin. Well I got entangled in the myriad amounts of lists. The problem is I don’t know what I value more, or what would be more beneficial to my future—less debt or a fully enhanced college experienced.

Not to mention so many things came into play that altered my reasons for staying/going. Moving out was inevitable. I cannot live with my parents any longer because they are unstable themselves. Either way, I’m on my own. I’d either live in an apartment, get a new job, go to junior college and drive home to my lonely home. Or, I’d completely delve into a debt drastic lifestyle on the beach—where there’d be other people like me, some of which I may grow to like or not. But nonetheless it would be change. Even if neither were what I was shooting for, I’ve got to decide where I’d feel happier before I sleep at night.

Although, it may have been thought that dividing yourself from my equation would allow me to make an unbiased decision, it has all been harder than you know.

I have been influenced/affected/devastated lately by those that surround me. Leaving always drives me crazy.

I need to jump. I need to go for it and never look back. Don’t worry, I got this….

I’ve rendered a decision that seems to be what most people suggest. But that’s not why I’m moving to Long Beach. I cannot depend on those that remain in this town. I need to just depend on myself, branch out, and give my future a chance.
Only I can live with the judgment that I give to myself

And I’ll carry on the advice that was given to me.
What have I gotten into this time around?
If only I had more time right? If only this wasn’t bad timing.

I'm so afraid, I can't hold on this time. That’s why I write, to let you know. Just what goes on. Cause this is me, and everything I've dreamed
And you know that I can't just settle for anything

We’re getting older. I’ve started to fear for my life. Is this the way it should be?
This whole thing’s riding on me. It’s been a long road so far.
With no where to turn. There’s no looking back from here.
No more dwelling on my fears.

Some say this is destiny. Some say we create our own destinies. Some say none of this is supposed to make sense. Some say I’m running…..