The Devastation

No one ever told me as a freshman that it was wiser to take easy classes.
I was motivated to take AP classes, to challenge myself and learn more than the average student.
Of course, I struggled, especially in math and therefore I didn’t end up with the “csu weighted average” 4.0 like the students who took easy electives and excelled.
Little did I know that CSU’s only consider your GPA and SAT/ACT scores for admission.
Or that only your soph/junior and part of senior year really mattered on your transcript.
It suddenly became apparent that all those nights staying up with AP work, all my community service, my extracurricular activities/clubs/sports meant nothing on this admission letter.

Yesterday, I checked my web portal account for San Diego State University, aka my dream school. And I was denied. “We regret to inform you….blah blah."
I just cried. It was like a stab in my heart.
I prayed and prayed everyday about this.
In the shower, in the car, before I went to bed.
I dreamt about being at SDSU.
I researched the school and gave several presentations on the school.
I knew my heart belonged there before I set foot on the campus.
And the day I did tour it, only confirmed what I already knew.

I’m not always sure of what I want in life, when it comes to decisions—big or little.
When it comes to boyfriends, ideas, my opinions on things.
They’re all things subject to change.
But my obdurate desire to go to SDSU could never be changed.

When I got denied admission, I felt like crawling in a hole.
I felt like a failure, all the shit I put up with throughout high school when other students didn’t produce nearly as much effort. And now we’d both end up in the same place—a Junior College.

I knew I was ready to leave now, be out on my own in a new city, far far away.
I love San Diego and for once in my life I had never been so sure of something.
But it didn’t work out for me.
I didn’t get that little moment in the mail where you scream and tell everyone that you got accepted.
I was just the girl who didn’t get in. And it beyond devastates me. I cried all night.

You know when you have a bad dream and you wake up and realize, it actually happened.
That nightmare’s your reality….thats exactly how I felt this morning.
I got ready for school, and I against my desire replied “hey” with a half smile to those who said hey to me.
But I didn’t wanna talk to anybody in the morning.
I walked my laps alone in the gym while everyone else ran together.
I just didn’t care. I had lost all motivation to try. What’s there to try for?
If I get an A in p.e. it wont matter because the kid getting a C is going to the same college.
I couldn’t keep it together. I just teared up and cried, that morning and thorough different parts of the day.

Later that night I was talking to my mom about getting a bigger bed. And she mentioned that it wasn’t necessary when I go to college.

“Yeah, except I got denied” :(
That ignited the water works, I just bawled and bawled.
And even now, I can’t talk about it, or even write it down without crying.
It meant everything to me, and now I’m being held back.

But eventually I’m just gonna have to accept it. In a way its good that I’m being forced to save $40k for the first two years of general ed. And I won’t have to leave my dog for another two years, or some younger friends.

It just seemed like I was sooooo ready to leave now and experience college as a freshman, and that it won’t nearly be as fun or exciting as it could’ve been.
Am I even gonna want a dorm as a junior transfer student?

But the fact of the matter is, I’m stuck living here for the next two years and since there’s nothing I can do about that, I’m gonna have to adapt. I’m getting a better job when I turn 18.
My job is stagnant, It’s slow, I’ve had the same uniform and salary for like a year and a half.
Plus my hours are super limited now and tips…hah what tips?

Aside from that I’m blowing my money on a new car to replace my piece of shit named carly.
Perhaps ill get a flat screen tv to go along with my queen size bed I’m also purchasing.
I’m gonna make some major changes to my everyday life, in hopes of ameliorating my situation.

I hope at the JC I go to, I meet a lot of new people. And I have way better friends. I hope freshman year isn’t lame and there’s still a lot to do. And most importantly, I hope I don’t regret this. I just want change. I want happiness. And I want a new chapter in my life.
I can’t guarantee or even begin to imagine what its gonna be like the next two years, but I hope it goes by fast.
Some people say they hate it and other people advice JC’s are the smart way to go.
So I’m gonna try my very best to be open-minded and enjoy it the best I can.

Nonetheless;
I wish I had known about how CSU’s consider applicants, because maybe I would’ve taken the easier way.
Yet, somehow I think I still would’ve pushed myself to the AP level
Because even though I’m a procrastinator, it irks me to be in a classroom filled with ignorance rather than advanced knowledge
So anways, my advice to all lower classmen:
Don’t over exert yourself. Of course participate in activities if you plan on going to a UC, but if you’re interested in only CSU’s, take the easier classes and succeed in them.
Because trust me, you’re gonna want the option of screaming your acceptance to the world, or saving money at a JC first.