Translanticism (almost)

Is college what you expect it to be? Is it everything you wanted?
I’m not even sure who I am anymore.
I wanted to run away and escape so bad.
I wanted change, but not complete change.
I didn’t expect to feel for you this way, at the end of the summer.
I don’t know what I expected.
I’m not used to all this unfamiliarity.
I mean I like how there’s lots to do in this big city.
But, I prefer doing nothing with you in our little city.
Seems like the more I discover here, the less I know about myself.
I’m scared I’m going to lose everything I had.
Or, maybe just you.
The only thing I can do is wait, anxiously.
Let time pass by and watch life happen.
Why is it so hard to get used to these new people?
Am I ever going to form stable relationships?
All these new rules, new responsibilities.
If we’re on our own, then let us make our own mistakes.
Our way.
But like I said, I’m scared.
At least I have a stable place to sleep.
I’m not sure, its going to feel the same.
Or even like a home.
We’re together, but we’re alone.
Promise me we’ll all be okay.
& if you can’t promise, lie to me anyway.
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be. this. hard.

Running

Stressed out.

When im stressed out, I tend to run. I go run around the high school, at track practice, on a treadmill at the gym. It’s all I really know to do when things get tough…..run.

As you probably know, san diego was my first choice.
Well more than that, it was my dream school. And eventually, I will get there. If that’s what my heart desires in two years. But I decided after getting rejected, that I would go to MJC, buy a new car and save money.

But then…I let my head get to thinking. I’m going to miss out on the college experience, no freshman year dorms, no drastically new environment… basically everything I was looking forward to. When I was a little girl, I imagined what college would be like. Before I even knew junior college existed. And I looked forward to the whole cliché, “experience.” While many little girls fantasized over a dream wedding, I was curious about college.

And as it hit me about what I’d be missing out on…I considered my other options. I got into Cal State LA. But then, I was put on a waiting list because it got impacted. It didn’t seem to affect me much, because I knew close to nothing about this school when I applied. I just knew I wanted to go to So Cal this upcoming year.

And then there was CSUN. And I got into Northridge, with my major and even an interview for their EOP financial aid program. So after getting some feedback, I decided to be a little more open minded about my options. I went there myself, I interviewed, I looked around. But something was missing. I just didn’t feel the right vibe. Maybe I just didn’t appreciate the area, but I wasn’t set on going there even if I would be getting a little bit of financial aid. So then there was my last option…CSULB. After being disappointed with Northridge, I decided to go see Long beach. Not having time to tour it, I briefly drove through the campus, and I wasn’t very pleased with how spread out it was, but I hardly got a chance to see the campus. So immeadiately, I figured I was just an unsatisfied person and would settle for MJC. And I was okay with that…

For a while anyways, a few days later I got my acceptance letter to CSULB and everything changed…maybe it wasn’t so bad. I researched it online, virtually toured the housing options, some of which impressed me…and even watched youtube videos of students who attended CSULB. I suddenly had a change of heart. Maybe I could get the college experienced I dreamt up, even if it wasn’t going to be at SDSU.

So now here I am, in this predicament that results in a major part of my near future. They say to go with your gut feeling…but I didn’t really have one. To make lists of pro’s and cons, flip a coin. Well I got entangled in the myriad amounts of lists. The problem is I don’t know what I value more, or what would be more beneficial to my future—less debt or a fully enhanced college experienced.

Not to mention so many things came into play that altered my reasons for staying/going. Moving out was inevitable. I cannot live with my parents any longer because they are unstable themselves. Either way, I’m on my own. I’d either live in an apartment, get a new job, go to junior college and drive home to my lonely home. Or, I’d completely delve into a debt drastic lifestyle on the beach—where there’d be other people like me, some of which I may grow to like or not. But nonetheless it would be change. Even if neither were what I was shooting for, I’ve got to decide where I’d feel happier before I sleep at night.

Although, it may have been thought that dividing yourself from my equation would allow me to make an unbiased decision, it has all been harder than you know.

I have been influenced/affected/devastated lately by those that surround me. Leaving always drives me crazy.

I need to jump. I need to go for it and never look back. Don’t worry, I got this….

I’ve rendered a decision that seems to be what most people suggest. But that’s not why I’m moving to Long Beach. I cannot depend on those that remain in this town. I need to just depend on myself, branch out, and give my future a chance.
Only I can live with the judgment that I give to myself

And I’ll carry on the advice that was given to me.
What have I gotten into this time around?
If only I had more time right? If only this wasn’t bad timing.

I'm so afraid, I can't hold on this time. That’s why I write, to let you know. Just what goes on. Cause this is me, and everything I've dreamed
And you know that I can't just settle for anything

We’re getting older. I’ve started to fear for my life. Is this the way it should be?
This whole thing’s riding on me. It’s been a long road so far.
With no where to turn. There’s no looking back from here.
No more dwelling on my fears.

Some say this is destiny. Some say we create our own destinies. Some say none of this is supposed to make sense. Some say I’m running…..

The Devastation

No one ever told me as a freshman that it was wiser to take easy classes.
I was motivated to take AP classes, to challenge myself and learn more than the average student.
Of course, I struggled, especially in math and therefore I didn’t end up with the “csu weighted average” 4.0 like the students who took easy electives and excelled.
Little did I know that CSU’s only consider your GPA and SAT/ACT scores for admission.
Or that only your soph/junior and part of senior year really mattered on your transcript.
It suddenly became apparent that all those nights staying up with AP work, all my community service, my extracurricular activities/clubs/sports meant nothing on this admission letter.

Yesterday, I checked my web portal account for San Diego State University, aka my dream school. And I was denied. “We regret to inform you….blah blah."
I just cried. It was like a stab in my heart.
I prayed and prayed everyday about this.
In the shower, in the car, before I went to bed.
I dreamt about being at SDSU.
I researched the school and gave several presentations on the school.
I knew my heart belonged there before I set foot on the campus.
And the day I did tour it, only confirmed what I already knew.

I’m not always sure of what I want in life, when it comes to decisions—big or little.
When it comes to boyfriends, ideas, my opinions on things.
They’re all things subject to change.
But my obdurate desire to go to SDSU could never be changed.

When I got denied admission, I felt like crawling in a hole.
I felt like a failure, all the shit I put up with throughout high school when other students didn’t produce nearly as much effort. And now we’d both end up in the same place—a Junior College.

I knew I was ready to leave now, be out on my own in a new city, far far away.
I love San Diego and for once in my life I had never been so sure of something.
But it didn’t work out for me.
I didn’t get that little moment in the mail where you scream and tell everyone that you got accepted.
I was just the girl who didn’t get in. And it beyond devastates me. I cried all night.

You know when you have a bad dream and you wake up and realize, it actually happened.
That nightmare’s your reality….thats exactly how I felt this morning.
I got ready for school, and I against my desire replied “hey” with a half smile to those who said hey to me.
But I didn’t wanna talk to anybody in the morning.
I walked my laps alone in the gym while everyone else ran together.
I just didn’t care. I had lost all motivation to try. What’s there to try for?
If I get an A in p.e. it wont matter because the kid getting a C is going to the same college.
I couldn’t keep it together. I just teared up and cried, that morning and thorough different parts of the day.

Later that night I was talking to my mom about getting a bigger bed. And she mentioned that it wasn’t necessary when I go to college.

“Yeah, except I got denied” :(
That ignited the water works, I just bawled and bawled.
And even now, I can’t talk about it, or even write it down without crying.
It meant everything to me, and now I’m being held back.

But eventually I’m just gonna have to accept it. In a way its good that I’m being forced to save $40k for the first two years of general ed. And I won’t have to leave my dog for another two years, or some younger friends.

It just seemed like I was sooooo ready to leave now and experience college as a freshman, and that it won’t nearly be as fun or exciting as it could’ve been.
Am I even gonna want a dorm as a junior transfer student?

But the fact of the matter is, I’m stuck living here for the next two years and since there’s nothing I can do about that, I’m gonna have to adapt. I’m getting a better job when I turn 18.
My job is stagnant, It’s slow, I’ve had the same uniform and salary for like a year and a half.
Plus my hours are super limited now and tips…hah what tips?

Aside from that I’m blowing my money on a new car to replace my piece of shit named carly.
Perhaps ill get a flat screen tv to go along with my queen size bed I’m also purchasing.
I’m gonna make some major changes to my everyday life, in hopes of ameliorating my situation.

I hope at the JC I go to, I meet a lot of new people. And I have way better friends. I hope freshman year isn’t lame and there’s still a lot to do. And most importantly, I hope I don’t regret this. I just want change. I want happiness. And I want a new chapter in my life.
I can’t guarantee or even begin to imagine what its gonna be like the next two years, but I hope it goes by fast.
Some people say they hate it and other people advice JC’s are the smart way to go.
So I’m gonna try my very best to be open-minded and enjoy it the best I can.

Nonetheless;
I wish I had known about how CSU’s consider applicants, because maybe I would’ve taken the easier way.
Yet, somehow I think I still would’ve pushed myself to the AP level
Because even though I’m a procrastinator, it irks me to be in a classroom filled with ignorance rather than advanced knowledge
So anways, my advice to all lower classmen:
Don’t over exert yourself. Of course participate in activities if you plan on going to a UC, but if you’re interested in only CSU’s, take the easier classes and succeed in them.
Because trust me, you’re gonna want the option of screaming your acceptance to the world, or saving money at a JC first.

mr. impassive

what happened to you? how did we get to this? there seems to be no more us. no more friendship. you were supposed to be there for me. and i want to be there for you. but you just slip away on me and we lose touch.
Do you feel the tension? when we briefly make eye contact, i hope you see the hurt in my eyes, cause i see the frustration in yours. its like everything is completely stoic. we don’t communicAte at all unless we’re forced to in social situations. we used to tell each other everythiNg. you were the one person i almost trusted completely. but you’re not arouNd anymore, for reasons i cant even explain. i just wanna know whY! why are you doing this again? why do you just stop letting me in your life when things get tough for you? i’ve done nothing but try and be there for you, try and be a good friend. but I don’t want to go somewhere i’m no longer wanted. i almost wanna scream at you how much this upsets me, but i know if you cared enough you would just confront me. and i hope you do, soon.

because out of every friend i’ve had in high school. you were the one that stood around the longest. the one who hardly let me down. the one that still cared about me after all i put you through in the beginning. and I just want you back in my life, if that’s what you want as well. i want you to stay in my life in the future. i hate losing best friends. its unnecessary. i just miss your humor in my life. but i’m not gonna initiate the effort to fix what you’ve stopped.

so i hope you read this, and i hope you care enough to say something. anything at all, letting me know if things are gonna change.

Slap in the Face

As many of you already know, today I encountered a minor injury to the face.
After leaving the locker room, it was raining and windy. I was walking to my car because it was lunch time and I needed to run home and get something.
Conveniently, it starts pouring like crazy so I start to run to my car. (Which was in the BACK of the parking lot.) As I get to my car, I put my key in as quickly as possible and when I opened the door, the wind was strong and it hit me smack dab on the forehead. I semi-blacked out for a moment and when I looked at my reflection there was blood gushing out of my head and throbbing pain. Pouring it was, so I sat in my car. I panicked I would pass out and nobody would find me so I speed dialed my mom. But before she answered I was already bawling and she couldn’t understand what I was saying very well except that I wasn’t okay. So I’m in my car searching for someone to help me but it was in the back like I said, and waaay wet so hardly anyone was out there. I did however, spot my friend Leah, but as I was screaming for her..i think she assumed I was saying hi or couldn’t hear me because she was walking away from me and the rain. Not knowing what else to do I stumbled in the parking lot still looking for anyone familiar because I was dizzy as hell. By the time I got to the cement, Nicole S., Jessica D., and Marissa D. were huddled around me. I didn’t even know what to say because I was soaked, crying and bleeding. Thank god they found a monitor right away and the attendance ladies cleaned up my cut. It wasn’t very big, but my head was swollen and it hurt immensely. Fifteen minutes later, my mom was there and took me home. But man it was not fun sitting at home. My dad made me watch a movie with him, but I kept falling asleep…so he made me drink coffee and made me be cold, just to stay awake. Blah. It’s so mind-boggling how random events occur. I thought today was just a rainy Wednesday but it took me by surprise. I’m okay now despite the pain and the ugly little cut. I just hope the weather clears up and everyone stays safe. Who knew rainy days could cause concussions!?

Work Vs. Play

I’m just 17. I’m still in high school. I’ve been working at the same place for over a year.
And my boss doesn’t understand the importance of extracurricular activities.
Last year, everything was different. I was able to go to school, go to track, and leave a little early, then work 5-9. Granted, my coaches got irritated, and I barely had time to change into work clothes, but I made it all happen.

So now that I’ve been working the 3-9 shift forever, its suddenly such a big deal that a morning worker stays an extra two hours or whatever everyday. I mean, I’ve been running track for 5+ years. I’m not gonna quit now. Granted, my job = my income. But I need to enjoy my youth. I’m gonna be working the rest of my life. So why does “ job come before play.” This isn’t my life. I’m not going to be working here in a year. I want to be able to hang out with friends. And play sports, and enjoy other shit that teenagers do. I HATE constantly working. I mean, I love lots of hours because then I get enough money to pay the bills and enjoy the leftover money. But when do I ever get the time to enjoy it when my daily life consists of:
School, practice, work, gym!?!

So do I work less and maybe not have enough money to fully enjoy stuff with friends?
Or do I work more and have enough money to spend as I please, but miss out on all the fun?

In this economy, I’m extremely grateful to get 28 hrs a week.
But I truly miss out on a lot of school stuff and social stuff just because
“oh I have to work that night.”

It’s a catch 22, what’s your imput?

grimey

Dear person, I hate you so much.
I mean I don’t actually hate you but you make me sick to my stomach

I’m tired of you not knowing. & I’m tired of falling and not being caught.
Why bother?
If you’re unsure of me, then appArently its not going to work.

How come it seems like you’re everything I want and then it falls short?
How come its enough for me and never enough for you?

Why cant you tell me how you feel?
When you have no problem throwing your words to other girls.

I don’t want to want you anymore.
I just need to stop running with scissors.
Your no gooD for me. You cant really look past all the complications.
This sucks for me, like always. But big girls don’t cry.

i know you will never ever take the time to read this.
but how dare you make me feel so much and then hurt me so fast.

Grow up. You could’ve hAd everything, but now you wont.
so much for My happy ending.

moral of the story: when your friends warn you that some guy's probably just trying to get his dick wet....they're right.